Friday, 29 January 2010

Englehardt and the battle of the half drum

The bald head I am kissing in the pic below belongs to Englehardt, our assistant farm manager. Englehardt is the guy myself and Kate go to whenever we need some meat, a pen mowed or a fence fixed.

Englehardt often tries to run away at the very sight of us as he knows more often than not we are going to ask him to do something that will probably mess up his day. And when I do catch up with him I get a friendly greeting: ‘What the f**k do you want now?!’ Because I appreciate the work Englehardt does I began to show my gratitude by offering him the occasional 6-pack whenever his personal supply was dry. However, funnily enough the frequency of his personal supply drying up began to increase and I was greeted more and more by a beaming Englehardt asking: ‘my brother, can I have a 6-pack?’ Englehardt even became a regular visitor to Boskop, pleading with me to give him some liquid refreshment and usually I just gave in just to make him go away. However, one day Englehardt pushed his luck and changed the dynamic of this drink exchange. After pleading with me all day for a 6-pack I again yielded and said ok, you can go to Boskop and take a 6-pack from the fridge. Englehardt proceed to do just that but when he found Kate at Boskop he told her that I had said he could take TWO 6-packs!! When I discovered this treachery I decided enough was enough. I really should have expected such behaviour seeing as Englehardt is a dirty Manchester Utd supporter!

So I decided it was time for Englehardt to give a little back and the next time I saw him I laid out my demands. There would be no more drink until he got me a new half drum for us to make fires in at Boskop (our current one was rusting away). I thought this would be a fairly simple demand and I would have the half drum within the week, oh how wrong I was! One week turned into two, two weeks into three and then a month had gone by, and still no half drum. All the while Englehardt was still pleading to get more 6-packs! But this time I stood firm: ‘NO Englehardt, BAD Englehardt…..WHERE IS MY HALF DRUM?!!’ An already tipsy Englehardt even ambushed me at Boskop, forcing himself upon me, hugging, kissing and proclaiming how we are brothers. But again I said no and sent him on his way empty handed. It became clear that this was a lesson he had to learn and over the next month every time I saw him I gave him a hard time and asked the question that would be repeated a million times: 'where is my half drum?!’

Then, one day as we were all sat in a staff meeting the sound of sawing could be heard from the direction of the barn. Englehardt, who was sat next to me then leaned over and said ‘you hear that? There’s your f**king half drum!’ Could it be true? The meeting ended and I walked with anticipation to the barn and there it was, a beautiful drum sawed in two! I grabbed Englehardt and made him pose for a photo to record the momentous event.

And the first words out of his mouth after handing it over to me? ‘Now can I have a 6-pack…for the love of god?!’ So I embraced him said ‘Englehardt, no you can’t!’ I then explained to Englehardt that the half drum was payment for past 6-packs NOT in exchange for more 6-packs!!! I was then insulted with language I will not utter here. And so it was that Englehardt learnt his lesson.

I took the new half drum back home to Boskop that night and we christened it with its first of what will be many fires, and a great first fire it was. We were joined by a few more people from CCF and a great night was had raving to Infected Mushroom…..more on them to come!

The next day at five after a hard day at work I really wanted to go back to Boskop and stay there for dinner. However, we have a one car only to Boskop rule and no other Boskopians wanted to go. So I was stranded at CCF unless there was someone willing to give me a lift…… you guessed it. Upon hearing of my desire to go back to Boskop Englehardt graciously offered his services, for a price……..a 6-pack. I was so keen on getting back home I accepted and upon arrival at Boskop I handed over the prize and took the pic you see below.

In fact, this pic is probably how I will always remember Englehardt…….smiling and looking very pleased with himself whilst holding a 6-pack with my name it.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Magic Matt's CCF 2009 Awards

Welcome to Magic Matt's 2009 CCF awards! Another year has gone and to celebrate surviving through it (literally) I have handed out some awards to staff, volunteers and cheetahs in recognition of their hard work and dedication to the cause. So lets begin.....

The Award for the most nervous smiles after almost dieing in a car crash goes to:
Rob Thomson, Ryan Richards, Leigh Whelpton,
Kate Echement and Matt Cleverley

The Award for the most uncomfortable place to have a nap goes to....

Kate Echement

The Award for the best 'i'm king of the world pose' goes to…….

James 'merry xmas everybody' Slade

The Award for best impression of a rhino goes to …….

Rob Thomson

The Award for being able to look miserable even when doing something exciting goes to...

Christina Martin

The Award for the best surprised drunken face goes to…….
Matt Cleverley and Gunther Roeber

The Award for being the best upper class English punk kid goes to ........
Hamish Baillie

The Award for the scariest, chocolate crazed smile goes to ……

Cheri Morkel

The Award for most stylish peice of clothing goes to ……

The English gentleman hat (modelled by Michael)

The Award for best impression of E.T by a cheetah goes to …..

Obi Wan

The Award for the most enthusiastic meat eater goes to ..........
Matt Cleverley

And finally the Award for the greatest cheetah in the world goes to…….

Xena! (obviously)

Congratulations to the winners! Have a great 2010 everyone!!